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  • Foreword

    This guide has been taken from a Something Awful forums thread, and permission has been granted by the author to spread the word. Which I'm doing here. In case you want to see the reactions and stories of the thread's participants, here is the global path with the link (until it gets in the archives of the forum, I guess):

    The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Lushka16's Guide to Getting Dumped and Taking It Like a Champ

    Now, for the guide itself

    It's that time again. It's been 1.5 years since the last time, and I'm slightly disappointed that I've been dumped 2 times in a row. Oh well, it's hard to reign in those youngins' This one was a good one, though. I'm very sad to see her go.

    Being dumped sucks.

    It is rarely a good experience - no matter how long you've been going out, what the nature of your relationship was, or how it ended. The very idea that someone does not want to spend his/her exclusive time with you is a pretty big blow to the ol' ego.

    I have been dumped on many occasions for many reasons, for over a decade. I understand that there are many who have never had a girlfriend, many on their first relationship, and many more with little experience with being dumped. Take my advice as you will, but I can guarantee you that when the day comes (and it probably will), you will be better prepared for it, and hopefully won't end up being a huge whiny turd.

    I give to you: Lushka16's guide to being dumped, and taking it like a champ.

    Rule 1: The relationship is over.

    This is the most important rule of all. You need to go back to it at least once every minute in the aftermath of being dumped. It is the most difficult part, yet it is also the foundation for healing. The day you come to terms with it, is the day things start getting better.

    In my experience, there are three basic parts to being dumped: Premonition, dump, after-dump.

    Premonition

    I have been dumped, and have dumped, lots and lots of times. There has never been an instance where it is random. For every single relationshp, from shortest (2 days) to longest (3 years), there has been a period of time where the breakup is planned. For the person about to get dumped, this period is called premonition. I have always felt a breakup coming, and it is physically a worse feeling than the breakup itself. There is little communication between the couples, an intense feeling of uncertainty, and a strong desire to make it better. The longer the premonition stage lasts, the more apt you are be stupid.

    Things to avoid

    Do not go beyond the bounds of your relationship. Don't start saying, "I love you" if that's not what you normally do.

    Resist the urge to sulk. Do whatever it takes to get your mind away from it. Get the gently caress out of bed, go to the gym, go for a walk, find some friends, smoke some pot, do whatever it is that you do to de-stress.

    Do not start screwing around. The relationship isn't over yet. You might get yourself into some serious trouble.

    Don't beat her to the punch, unless you had plans already.

    Things to do

    Hey, here's an idea - talk to her. "Hey, what's going on with us, things have been kind of wierd lately." Sure, it might lead to breaking up faster, but that's the point. If it's going to happen, might as well not torture yourself.

    Try working things out. I know, it's easier to post an E/N thread on SA than to talk logically to another human being, but take it from me - it can work. If you really care for the relationship, and she's not cheating on your sorry ass, there's room for work. I've found that the best times I've had were after we've worked things out.

    Dump

    RULE 1

    Get ready to go through the 5 stages of loss:

    • Denial
    • Bargaining
    • Anger
    • Despair
    • Acceptance

    It might not happen in that order, it might not involve all the stages. Chances are you'll experience at least 3 of them, the most popular being bargaining, anger and despair.

    Denial:Try your best to avoid it. Denial doesn't help resolve anything, makes the whole process very difficult. Remember rule 1.
    Bargaining:Might as well give it a shot. There might be some things that you can reasonably change in the relationship. Give it up after a good shot at it. If it's over, it's over.
    Anger:Yup, you're pissed. Get over it.
    Despair:This is where the crying begins. Now is the time to NOT be pathetic. There's nothing wrong with crying, but don't make her feel bad for you or pity you. She'll only be pissed. There is little sympathy when it comes to being dumped, so don't play that card. More on this in the post-dump section.
    Acceptance:Time to let go, man. Rule 1.

    Here's a quick scenario as to how the whole thing might look:

    Girl:Things aren't working out.
    Boy:Are you sure? I thought things were fine.
    Girl:No.
    Boy:Well, is there anything we can do to make things better?
    Girl:I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore.
    Boy:But you were the one who wanted to be in one in the first place! Who put you up to this? Is there another guy? I'll loving kill him.
    Girl:[insert despair]
    Boy:[insert despair]
    Boy:Well, if this is what you want, and if this feels right, and there's nothing I can do or say to change it, then we might as well let it happen.

    See? That wasn't so bad. This is a really good time for some Q and A, especially since you'll want to know some of the answers in the post-dump phase. Here is a short list of questions you should ask now, while you're still communicating:

    Is there anything I can do to make this relationship work? Is there anything I could have done to make things better? What made you decide to do this? Is there someone else involved? Is there anything I can do to avoid pissing off future girlfriends? When did things start to suck? What caused it?

    This is a very short list, and you should tailor it to your needs in the premonition phase. If you can get all your important questions answered, it will make life easier in the next phase. Also, be sure to indicate that you don't want to see/talk to her for a while. This is KEY. More on this in the next section.

    Post-Dump

    Nearly a decade has taught me one important thing: This is a very long phase. You need to accept this.

    Ok, you just got dumped. Let the emotion out the best way you know. Cry if you have to, beat the shit out of something, go for a run, post an E/N thread (maybe go for a run first). Be a man, and find someone to give you a hug. Talk it through with your close friends (not hers). Set some kind of time limit. Say to yourself, "I'm going to be a pile of emotional poo poo for the next hour, then I'm going to start picking myself up." Stick to it, if you're a sulking mess for too long no one is going to want to hear about it.

    Inform your friends. People ought to know to be careful around you. If they care about you, they'll help you cope. Put away blatant reminders of her - her pictures, her underwear, her lifesize blowup doll etc.

    Go out, live life normally, do not do anything rash. Joining the Army doesn't help, running away doesn't help, you won't get her back if you get into a car accident/attempt suicide, you certainly won't get her back if you vandalize her property. Don't gently caress her sister/friends, don't go beating up some kid who you think might be her new boyfriend. Use Rule 1 folks, it really puts things into perspective.

    Just go on with your life. That's the only thing you can do to really take it like a champ. There's a huge list if things you shouldn't do, because they're very annoying, and you'll feel stupid about it later.

    Spend lots and lots of time away from her. This is actually a strange situation. Say you spend 4 months away from her and are feeling great. The next time you see her, it'll take you back about 2 months. Then you'll recover, and the next time you see her it'll take you back 1 month. Then 2 weeks. Then 1 week. See what I'm getting at? Recovery is a long process, and there will be setbacks. Don't think it'll be peaches and cream the first time you see her with another guy. Try to avoid her socially until you're certain things are ok. This may take months or years. Rarely weeks. This is why avoidance is key. You don't need to go out of your way to avoid her, just let her know that for a while, you don't want to see her.

    Don't play the pity card. Yes, you're upset and hurt and heartbroken. Tell it to your friends, not to her or her friends. Avoid putting up depressing away messages, profiles, blogs, or anything of the like. Understandably, you want her to know how much she hurt you. It does you little good to do that, remember rule 1? Don't go to the same party as her and sit in the corner looking all depressed. She's not going to want you back, you pansy.

    Don't go visit her. First of all, it will hurt like a mofo. Secondly, girls are evil and will do lovely things like hug you, cuddle with you, tell you how much they miss you, or hit you with pepper spray. Rule 1 - it still applies. She doesn't want to be with you, just wants to make herself feel a little better. If she wants to come back to you, she'll call you up and say so. Being around her is most likely going to annoy her and make you feel really lovely. Girls have also been known to employ the use of a guy named Todd, who is only there to make you turn emo.

    Don't start looking for answers. If you're smart, you already asked them when you two were breaking up. Don't call/IM/email/fox her friends. Yes, they're close to her and they know what's going on. Chances are, they won't tell you what you need to know. They're her friends first, yours second. I'm letting you know now - if you do take this path, you will find out nothing of any use. Do you really want to know if she's seeing someone else? Do you really want to know if she is in bed crying because she misses you? Back to Rule 1. She's going through her own healing process, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Let it go, man. Her friends will report their findings to her, and she'll hate you for snooping.

    On a similar note - Don't fucking stalk her.

    The above is the basic foundation for taking a dumping like a champ. There are many little nuances that I can't remember and didn't cover, so be prepared for anything. Of course, I welcome and urge the advice and experience of other goons. The only thing I can guarantee is that life will get better and you'll move on.

    For what it's worth, I got dumped and quite heartbroken today, but I'm doing all right, thanks for asking.

    It's almost certain that anyone who has read this and is going to get dumped for their first time will not follow my advice.